FOMM: Fear of Missing Milestones

When I pick up my son from nursery, I always get a thorough run down of his day along the lines of he drank this much water, he ate this much food, he slept for this long, had this many nappy changes, enjoyed playing with the drums etc. But every now and then you get a little milestone curve ball, which is just a casual “oh and he crawled from here to there” or “he pointed at where he wanted to go” or “he took 6 unaided steps” (that’s a biggie). Whilst you’re celebrating their achievement and praising them, it can sting just a little bit, the first thought is “but I missed it, I wasn’t there to see it happen for the first time.” Introducing FOMM… FOMM, is like FOMO, but instead of ‘Fear of Missing Out’ it’s a ‘Fear of Missing Milestones.’  

 As a working mum, I spend 4 out of 7 days a week at work away from my boy, in child terms that’s a massive amount of time away from them and their continuous development. Children are like sponges, they’re constantly seeing the world through fresh eyes and becoming more and more aware of their surroundings, they just absorb everything… (even the things you don’t want them to, cue the awkward swear word at great granny’s birthday dinner). Because of their spongy brains they are always learning, which is incredible to watch but when you’re not there, it’s a tough pill to swallow that they’re having all these new experiences without you. 

A few months ago, my boy was so close to standing up on his own, he was nearly there with his balance and he kept trying and trying all weekend. When I picked him up from nursery on the Monday, I walked into the room and when he saw me, he gave me the biggest grin and just stood straight up. No help and no hesitation. I was in awe and I felt so proud of him but my heart did sink just a tiny bit that I wasn’t there for the ‘first time.’ 

It’s very easy to get caught up in being there for the ‘firsts’ these days, especially with the added pressure of showcasing every achievement on social media with a cute milestone card (not knocking them, I think they’re adorable and perfect for photo albums). But the truth is, your baby doesn’t care who was there the first time they took a step, said a word or stood up by themselves. They care about who is there for them in general, not just at specific times, they know that you love them unconditionally even when you’re away at work. They have so much confidence in your bond as parent and child that they cheer for you when you pick them up, they cannot wait to show you what they’ve been practising all day! It’s okay to feel that little sting of ‘I missed the first’ but don’t let it overshadow your baby’s proud accomplishment.

In a digital world it’s easy to lose perspective of what really matters, so let’s shift the focus of being there for the ‘firsts’ to just being there. When you celebrate with them, regardless of whether it’s the 1st time, the 2nd time or the 34th time, the super proud ‘look what I just did’ smile they give you will wash away the ‘FOMM.’

The Mum Brain: Help or hindrance?

Oops ‘baby brain’! Oops ‘mum brain’! How many times do you find yourself saying this? To explain why you forgot something or to justify your way of thinking? It is thought that when you become a parent and inherit the inevitable baby brain you become less of an intellect and you lose credibility over making simple decisions, there are many negative connotations around the ‘baby/mum brain’ which I simply don’t agree with. 

Don’t get me wrong, I did some questionable things when I was pregnant, I upgraded my flights to extra legroom and realised I’d only done it on the 1 hour connecting flight, not the 8 hour long haul. When we got to our connecting flight, I wasn’t even allowed to sit in the extra legroom because it was an emergency exit row and I was 6 months pregnant. I also managed to book theatre tickets to see Aladdin the Musical.. and later realised I’d booked to see Aladdin the Pantomime. Not only that, I booked seats D37, D38 and D42? At the time, we laughed it off and I was banned from booking anything without someone double checking, I like to consider that this phase of my ‘mum brain’ had it’s training wheels on.

Whether you carried your baby, went through the adoption process or used a surrogate, I believe that as soon as you know you’re expecting, we all get the ‘mum brain.’ We lose the ‘me me me’ section and acquire a whole new part which has your baby’s needs and wishes at it’s core. Your brain changes your whole way of thinking, the way you process information and the way you prioritise. That’s a lot for anybody to process, so some things are going to get missed and that’s okay! Give yourself a break.

Without your ‘mum brain’ you wouldn’t be able to juggle everything that you do. The pressures we face are overwhelming but your ‘mum brain’ is your superpower. From dealing with customer demands to meal planning to supporting your child’s development to professional presentation planning to seeking new business initiatives to managing your social calendar, play dates and date nights to regularly completing your household chores and just general life admin.. it’s a lot. But you’re doing it! Every time you think ‘I can’t do this’ you get up and carry on anyway, you’re amazing and don’t you ever forget that. Give yourself credit.

Having a ‘mum brain’ doesn’t make you ditsy or incapable, it doesn’t mean that you should have your responsibilities limited, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be trusted or that you should be patronised. I’m PROUD to have a ‘mum brain,’ it’s given me the ability to function when I am beyond exhausted, the ability to seek efficiency in everything that I do and the organisation to effectively manage my time, both at work and at home. It was a huge, life changing adjustment and a massive learning curve but I love my ‘mum brain’ and I vow to always celebrate it, even during the ‘oops’ moments.

Working & Breastfeeding: Making money… and milk!

One of my biggest worries about returning to work was how I was going to continue breastfeeding, I wanted to be able to offer that recognised and much loved comfort to my baby boy, in a time of massive change and uncertainty. I was determined to continue breastfeeding and so I began my research… which left me even more confused! SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. How much should I express? He won’t take a bottle, so how is he going to drink it? Will I have the time to express at work? Not to mention the privacy? What if I can’t express enough to keep up with his demand? Does this mean he’s going to be up all night feeding? Here’s my experience, I hope it helps…

So, how much do I need to express? This was my biggest “HELP!” moment. There’s no measuring system with breastfeeding, just a mutual bond of trust between you and your baby that they will take what they need and let you know when they need more. Which is lovely, but not helpful in this instance! Expressing for nursery was a lot of trial and error, to start with I provided 1oz for every hour I was going to be away from him, for us this meant giving 9oz a day! Any mum that has pumped knows that this is a lot of breastmilk and a big ask to provide on a daily basis. Luckily, I had been building a freezer stash, so for those first few weeks, I could take a mix of frozen and fresh milk. 2 weeks in, we noticed that my boy was very particular with his milk, drinking a max. of 3-4oz a day, sometimes not taking any! So I reduced my daily milk delivery to 5oz, this is how much I have been providing for the past 3 months and it is working beautifully for us (at the moment). As with everything baby related, it could all change tomorrow! 

My baby won’t take a bottle, will he drink his milk? Babies are clever little devils, my boy has never accepted a bottle in his life,we tried numerous brands and techniques but he wasn’t having any of it, until he started nursery… Within 3 weeks he was accepting a bottle without fuss twice a day, usually 2oz in the morning and 1-2oz in the afternoon. I thought, that’s amazing! He might take one at home too, if I have evening plans maybe someone else could put him to bed etc, the possibilities were racing through my mind. Nope. The bubble very quickly burst, apparently bottles are only acceptable at nursery. But on reflection, I’m okay with that. I really enjoy our time before bed, the cuddles, the closeness, the stillness amongst the chaos of our busy schedules.

The support of the nursery staff has been paramount in continuing breastfeeding, they knew it was important for me to continue and have been amazing in monitoring his milk intake and offering advice on how much to bring in. I could not have done it without them.  

Will I have the time and privacy to express at work? Legally, in the UK, you have the right to continue breastfeeding and return to work, it is advised that you notify your employer in plenty of time for them to conduct a risk assessment and make necessary arrangements. I feel very lucky and thankful that my employers have been nothing but supportive, I’ve got into a routine now that I tend to just express on my lunch break once a day, however due to other commitments I have expressed mid-morning/later afternoon when needed. There has been no pressure to express ‘quickly’ and I have been offered ultimate privacy of using a lockable meeting room. Some employers may not have experienced a breastfeeding mother at work before, so they may need a little help with understanding your needs. It might be useful to educate your employer on the benefits of breastfeeding, the NHS website has a great section highlighting the benefits to your employer. Links below!

Benefits for Employer: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/breastfeeding-back-to-work/
The Law: https://www.hse.gov.uk/mothers/faqs.htm

Does this mean my baby will be up all night feeding? Maybe. But only until they settle into their new ‘normal’ – for us it took 4/5 weeks. During this time he was very needy at home in the evenings, feeding as soon as we got home and then not really wanting to let go until we got him to bed. He was then up a few times in the night, wanting only me, not daddy. I’ll be honest, it was tough being back at work and also being exhausted from frequent night wakings, but we got through it. I responded to every wake up call, I had no hesitation in feeding him back to sleep each time, we had lots of co-sleeping cuddles and he gradually slept for longer stretches. I personally don’t believe that you can create ‘bad habits’ this young, I believe you know what your baby needs and I believe in survival. Doing whatever you need to do, to ensure that you all get the sleep required to function! I now find that my baby boy sleeps much better on the days he is at nursery, something I didn’t expect but was a very welcome surprise.

In summary, this is another massive learning curve and it’s very true what they say, that breastfeeding is a journey. This is just another step along the way – but with the right support and knowledge you can continue, if that is what you want to do. I would also say on the flip side, if it doesn’t work for you or you find it too hard, too stressful or just don’t want to do it anymore that is also 100% okay. If you’re looking for support on breastfeeding I follow a great account @nomilklikemamas – her posts are genuine, insightful and just what you need to see in the middle of those lonely night feeds.

Night wakings: No rest for the working Mumma

“Waaaa…” eyes fly open, time is checked, it’s 3am. An hour since they last woke, 47 minutes since they last went back down and 35 minutes since you last dropped off to sleep. Sleep regressions suck… & they suck even more when you have to get up for work in the morning.

You can’t help but count how many times you’ve been up (until you hit 6 times, then it’s just a blur) and calculate how long until your alarm goes off. You can almost guarantee that as you settle them back for the umpteenth time that night, they will sleep through the morning alarm and you will be the bad guy who has to wake them and get them ready for the day. Knowing that they’re not as rested as they need to be, knowing that they will be grumpy as they are pulled out of their pyjamas and dressed for childcare.

As a mum, you’re thinking about your child constantly, the repercussions of their unsettled night sleep and how that must be so hard for them. You sympathise with them as they cry from exhaustion, “oh darling, I know you’re tired, what’s the matter? Is it your teeth? Are you hot/cold? Did you just need a cuddle?” You drop them off at childcare, the heavy weight of mum guilt in every step and you go into overthinking mode… there’s so much going on at childcare, there’s so many people and they’re just going to get overtired again, or grumpy, or overstimulated, what if they don’t sleep? the list goes on. They cry as you leave, you walk away with tears in your eyes, aching for them to be okay.

But guess what, not even five minutes later your baby is happy and distracted by his friends. He plays for an hour before rubbing his eyes and deciding he needs a good solid sleep for a few hours. He wakes up rested and refreshed, thinking that he will probably have another sleep in a bit anyway.

What about mum? You’ve gone to work, you’ve cried in the car for your baby, you’re pulled into 2 unscheduled meetings and your to do list has doubled by lunchtime. Your lunch break consists of letting the dog out, putting a load of washing on and expressing milk for tomorrow. The afternoon drags and as 3pm hits, you start to feel the exhaustion from the interrupted sleep the night before.

“You look tired” – the remark of a helpful colleague, making the understatement of the century, the statement that hurts just that little bit more because you got up 10 minutes before your alarm, sacrificing precious sleep, to try and cover the dark circles as you desperately try to conceal that your baby is not sleeping through the night right now.

The working day ends but you’re not off the clock just yet, you swing by childcare and pick up your baby, who has had 3 naps totalling 4.5 hours, he’s happy and rested which makes your heart smile. As you get home, dinner, bath, bed comes around in quick succession and soon you’re in bed for a well earned rest.

It was a tough day but tomorrow is a new day and sleep regressions don’t last forever. Leave that load of washing, ask for help and know that you’re doing everything right for your baby. Like I said, sleep regressions suck… & they suck even more when you have to get up for work in the morning. Keep going Mumma 💛

Saying goodbye to Maternity Leave

A few weeks before my maternity leave ended I experienced such a complex array of emotions. I was nervous for my boy to start nursery but I was eager to get back to work. I felt excited to catch up with my colleagues but I felt guilty for wanting to leave my baby. I was desperate to carry on breastfeeding but worried about how that was going to fit into our new routine. I wanted to spend all my days with my baby but I also wanted my career. One day I would feel calm and confident in my decision, the next day I would be in pieces wondering if this is going to be the best thing for us. 

I was grieving for my maternity leave, for the precious time I was spending with my baby boy without routine or commitments. It felt like I was losing him to nursery, it felt like he was no longer going to be mine, it felt like I was no longer going to be the centre of his world. To anybody reading this thinking, wow that’s so true, I promise you the thought of change is so much worse than the reality. I really tried hard to change my mindset around this, I looked at it as a new chapter rather than the end of something. I would say positive affirmations on a daily basis to reinforce that state of mind, I know that’s not for everybody but it really helped me.

The day before I was due back to work and my baby’s first full day of nursery, I was an emotional wreck. I barely slept, I felt sick, there was a lot of tears and saying “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want this time to end,” but, do you know what? In the morning, with the help of my husband, we got up, we got ready for the day and I dropped my boy at nursery. I called twice to check on him and both times he was absolutely fine. I picked him up and he was absolutely fine. In fact, he’d had a great day! This made the whole process so much easier in the weeks to come, I could see that he was thriving at nursery and that meant I could completely focus at work.

I think maternity leave ‘grief’ isn’t talked about, it’s just expected that because you’ve decided to go back to work that you should be happy with that choice. People love to say ‘Oh don’t be silly, you will be fine!’ I know they mean well, and (annoyingly) in the depths of your heart you know that they’re right, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have your concerns. So here’s our more appropriate response;

‘Firstly, your feelings are real and valid, they’re not silly or stupid. It’s a big change and a big leap of faith to put all your trust into another person to care for your darling baby (baby refers to any age, they will ALWAYS be your baby). I know that it’s hard and the chances are, there will be tears… from both of you, but that’s okay and it will get easier. If your childcare solution doesn’t work for you or you’re unhappy with the number of hours you’re working, then you can reassess. Nothing is set in stone and you and your family comes first. You’ve got this Mumma x’

Mum. Work. Mum. Repeat

– The Working Mum Project

The Working Mum Project

I always knew I wanted a family and I always knew I would want to go back to work before the year was up. I made the decision to go back when my baby was 7 months old, I phased my return using holiday, working a 3 day week which would then increase to 4 full days. My son was enrolled in nursery & I was hurtled back into the world of deadlines, meetings and lunch breaks. 

During this time, I noticed that there is a distinct lack of support for working mothers, it’s something that has improved over time but more could definitely be done. Our aim at The Working Mum Project is to provide a platform that voices all the highs and lows of raising a child and trying to climb the career ladder. It’s about knowing that wanting to do both is 100% okay, that it is about choice for some but a necessity for others. We will be sharing all our experiences, we want to collaborate with other mums going through the same thing, we want to talk about our days of nappies in the morning and professional presentations in the afternoon without a filter, without the best angle, just raw, honest accounts.

To anybody that needs to hear this today, you’re doing great. No, not just great, you’re doing AMAZING. You’ve got this Mumma x

Mum. Work. Mum. Repeat

– The Working Mum Project